It’s time to induct a new class of young talent into the NFL. Some of the prospects drafted into the league might one day be Hall of Famers, record-setters, or even – whisper it – EA Sports NFL cover stars. Picking the right prospects is of the utmost importance for each team – it’s the difference between building a successful dynasty and being the 2017 Cleveland Browns.
Not to be left out, the great and good from the video game world have donned their best oversize suits, invited their grandmas down to sit with them, and put themselves forth for the Great 2022 Video Game Character NFL Draft. Here they come now look, smiling politely for the flashing bulbs of the cameras, throwing up confusing hand signs, and in some cases entering completely undetected through the ventilation shafts.
I’m hearing that we’re ready to begin this evening’s proceedings, so let’s get down the main floor as we await the number one overall pick.
1. Katamari – Katamari Damacy Re-Roll – LB
Nobody’s surprised about this one. Going first overall is Katamari, a truly unstoppable linebacker. In its college career it developed a reputation for sweeping up the entire opposition into its ever-growing snowball of household debris, and simply clearing the field for its offensive team-mates to make up totally unopposed yardage.
That kind of defensive talent brings a 100% certainty of a 16-0 season, so it’s terrible news for all the other teams in the Video Game Football League. Oh, and true to form, Katamari is celebrating the news by absorbing the entire theatre’s viewers, chairs, and most of the lighting rig. Most rookies can’t pack on that much weight in three seasons, and this kid’s just done it in an evening.
2. Faith – Mirror’s Edge – RB
Going second overall, it’s the lithe, pacey running back, Faith from Mirror’s Edge. Before going pro, Faith was a courier in a dystopian city whose rooftops were bizarrely well-arranged for parkour, and you really get a sense of that when you watch her in possession. Her constant jumps, slides and shimmys make her a nightmare to track, and having survived the aforementioned dystopia she’s almost completely unfazed by smack talk.
What a game-changer she’ll be to this team’s offense. She might even be able to dodge Katamari and avoid being swallowed into its terrible sphere of unwilling bric-a-brac.
3. Marcus Fenix – Gears of War – T
Ah, now we’ve got a real old-fashioned player going third, and doesn’t Marcus Fenix just look delighted? We were pretty sure this place had a no chainsaw policy on the door, but they’ll probably let him off on the grounds that he’s only flailing it around out of sheer exuberance.
A lot of the older scouts projected that Fenix would go first overall. That stocky build makes him a formidable tackle, owning as he does the broadest pair of shoulders in human anatomical history. The fact that Fenix has no discernible neck will also be of real benefit in this era of concussion protocols.
4. Big Boss – Metal Gear Solid V – WR
Big Boss, as he now insists on being called, is our fourth pick this evening. But we suspect that’s only because most scouts failed to actually spot the wily wide receiver when they watched his college games.
The artist formerly known as Venom Snake has a way of simply disappearing on the field. His cornerback will be looking him dead in the eye before the snap, then – what’s this cardboard box with a sexy lady on it doing on the field? And why is it inching along at a barely perceptible speed?
5. Dhalsim – Street Fighter II – CB
Oh, now this is a controversial one. Dhalsim’s one of the older athletes in this draft pick, but he’s only just gained eligibility after a protracted court case. The sport is still divided on whether his extending limbs are legal, but by the letter of the law he’s cleared to play.
What a formidable cornerback this guy is. Definitely not the paciest player on the field, but even if his assignment does get the drop on him and gleans a few yards of separation, the rubbery veteran can make up that space in his own inimitable way. And that’s if he even needs to make the tackle – his interception numbers in college are the stuff of every quarterback’s nightmares.
6. Mario – QB
And there’s a big cheer in the house for this one. Mario, icon of so many sports already, is selected as our first quarterback prospect of tonight’s draft. Just as Bo Jackson and Michael Jordan had that fire in them to strive for dominance in multiple sports at the top level, this elite athlete has left his mark on tennis, athletics, kart racing and countless other sports – and he’s almost always come out on top. Football is just one more area for the one-time plumbing specialist to tick off.
That effortless charisma he carries really gets a team on side with him in the huddle, and although his passing yardage is inhibited by the minimal leverage on those stubby arms, the league expects great things from Mario just the same.
7. Agent 47 – Hitman 3 – WR
Another wide receiver going next, and – hang on, isn’t that one of the door guards for this draft event? No, my mistake, it’s merely Agent 47 wearing his clothes. He tends to do that. It’s just lucky for all our sakes he didn’t cross paths with 2015-era Dante Fowler Jr in the restrooms.
47 isn’t a natural sprinter – bizarrely, all the faster WRs in tonight’s draft came down sick after ingesting emetic rat poison so couldn’t make it – but he does have a way of getting to the end zone, by hook or by crook. By which I mean chocking out an opposing player and dressing up as them.
8. Big Daddy – Bioshock – T
Some said he was actually too big for the league. To which Big Daddy said – well, just a low, mournful moaning noise. But we all chose to interpret it as the human whalesong of defiance, and here he is. A tackle with a physical presence that would make anyone think twice about going for rushing yards.
Positioning really is central to Big Daddy’s game, since he’s capable only of sporadic lolloping runs and easily outpaced. If he sets himself up correctly from the snap though, he can cover four players’ worth of width just by standing there. A nice option to have on the field for any team.
9. Chell – Portal – RB
Now this is a surprise. Many analysts had Chell going much earlier in the draft, but photos of the running back gorging on cake have obviously hurt her stock in the run-up to tonight. Still, she looks no less nimble or fleet-footed for her baked goods bender.
Officials ruled out the use of her Portal Gun, and that’s probably for the good of the sport because let me tell you, those college games of hers were as boring as they were confusing. Throw it out to Chell, zzapp, TD. Repeat ad nauseum.
She’s still incredibly useful as an RB though, because you just cannot get this athlete’s knee down. It’s like she’s immune to fall damage or something. It may have something to do with those blades she wears on her legs. We simply don’t know.
10. Ezio – Assassin’s Creed 2 – CB
We’re pretty sure Ezio is somewhere in the crowd tonight, but he’s not making himself known as he’s being read out as the tenth pick. We’ll just have to infer his attendance.
What we do know about the low-key Italian cornerback is his incredible doggedness when tracking assignments. This guy can pick out a WR anywhere on the field and zero in on them. Some scouts have criticized his poor ability to close them down quickly, preferring instead to drag out the tracking mission for extended periods, but the fact remains that when he does make contact, it’s firm and decisive.
Written by Phil Iwaniuk on behalf of GLHF.
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