I care deeply for video game cows.
If a cow looks cooked, I do not trust it. Cow design is huge for me for some reason. I’ve always felt like Harvest Moon has had the right idea when it comes to how their cows look despite each game having fairly different cow designs. The ‘bubble cow’ shown above from Story of Seasons: Pioneers of Olive Town has become a favourite for many video game cow enthusiasts. It gets an honourable mention from me.
“But Ruby, why does it matter? Why is it important what the cows look like?”
Why does anything matter? Who gets to decide what is important in this world? I’m just as confused as you are about the art style of a cow being a factor in the quality of a game, but here we are.
If I’m going to milk some big fucker, I’d hope that it’s not ugly. Wouldn’t you feel the same about anything you decide to milk?
Anyway, I’m going to list my three favourite video game cows because who gives a shit anymore about anything (me, I do, about video game cows).
Mario Kart 8
I love the cows of Moo Moo Meadows. Mario Kart 8 really went nuts for this one.
Look at the moo moo. Look at how she smiles. She is so blissfully ignorant of the Volkswagon Jetta heading her way at full speed.
If you hit these cows with your kart, you are a monster. You may say, “The moo moo was in my way!”, but have you ever stopped to think about how you are driving in a farm area? Why do we question the existence of cows on a farm?
I love the Moo Moo Meadows cows, and I would probably commit some kind of tax evasion for them.
Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time
Please let this cow sleep, she is very tired.
I love the Ocarina of Time cows because they remind me of myself. I am also exhausted, and surrounded by turmoil. This is definitely one of the pointiest cows I’ve seen, but I don’t hold that against them.
If you hit the cows with your sword, you are a monster. You will never know peace. The chickens can fight back, but these big milker beasts can’t do shit to defend themselves.
I love the cows from Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, and I would most likely commit credit card fraud if they needed me to.
Harvest Moon: A Wonderful Life
Believe me when I say I would commit heinous acts of violence if the cow from Harvest Moon: A Wonderful Life asked me to.
This is the most beautiful video game cow that has ever been willed into existence. It’s hard to top this. There are no faults in this cow. If you can name one, it’s actually wrong and also a lie.
These gorgeous creatures are the video game god’s gift to the world. We will never see anything like this ever again. I know everybody goes wacko nuts for the bubble cows of Harvest Moon‘s most recent endeavours, and I agree that they are very cute.
But this? This is everything. This is how cows should be all the time.
I love the cows from Harvest Moon: A Wonderful Life, and I would murder for them.
What’s your favourite video game cow? Do you have one? Do you have a favourite cow? Are you a cow yourself, and have somehow learned to read? Let us know!
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